Now time for my favorite afternoon chat – poorly dressed celebs. That is not a smart thing to say because Mercury is in Retrograde and I need all the good karma I can get. Just a reminder – be careful of the way you communicate during retrograde and do not enter any contracts. Just be chill until May 22nd.
I don’t even know where to start with this crop but let’s just get this one out of the way:
Kimye in Balmain
My God, it’s the Met Gala. Put on some flipping pants. And what’s what the blue contacts. He looks like he’s auditioning for a role in Twilight. This is same sh*t, different day on Kim. I’ve seen a similar dress on her 100 different times. It’s not even creative. Also, stop doing stuff to your face. You’re literally turning into a machine…
Beyonce in Givenchy
“That is a bedazzled condom” – Julia.
Taylor Swift in Louis Vuitton
I love Taylor Swift, we all know this. I hate this look. I hate the blonde hair and I hate the black lipstick and I hate the ballerina shoes and I mildly dislike the dress. I do love the jewelry by Eva Fehren- who also designed Cat’s wedding ring!
Buzzfeed has a HYSTERICAL article about how Taylor is basically morphing into Jenny Humphries on the latter seasons of “Gossip Girl” and it’s all I can think about.
I mean, take a look:
I love the Internet.
Selena Gomez in Louis Vuitton
Taylor’s bestie did not fair much better. This is a 90s dress with a leather, cropped vest and platform boots. I cannot get on board with this look. She even threw on a mid-90s grungey, “I hate everyone” face to complete the look.
Kate Hudson in Versace
She’s just f*cking with us now, right?
Lily Collins in Valentino
So there’s a line down her face, right? It shows up in other pictures. I don’t get it. Is it like she’s half man, half machine? Or more like half man, half machine, have curtain that would look adorable in my living room? (I know that doesn’t add up to 1 , btw)
Katy Perry in Prada
What? I just sighed because where do I even start? How about with the Bad Blood she has with the host of this shindig? OR HOW ABOUT THE FACT THAT SHE CAME WITH ORLANDO BLOOM AND THEY WORE TAMAGOTCHIS? What the hell is that? Why are you dragging Orlando Bloom down with you? Also, all of Orlando’s exes were there- Kate, Miranda and Selena. Could you imagine?
Sarah Jessica Parker in Monse
SJP got her Met Gala invitation mixed up with her Hamilton tickets.
Ciara in H&M
You know that line in Mean Girls “stop trying to make fetch happen”? Well stop trying to make Ciara happen.
OMG sidenote, I was just asked by a client to run a 5K. Someone quick, come up with an excuse of why I’m busy on June 4th. I hate organized running. And running in general.
FKA Twigs in Versace
Rita Ora in Vera Wang
I saw online someone said “Rita Ora stuns in the feather duster from Beauty and the Beast” and that’s all I see now. This is so refried Beyonce, she MUST be Becky. (Apparently they took a selfie, but not fooling me.)
Queen Rania in Valentino
I obviously posted this to remind you all of the time I vacationed with Queen Rania and the other Jordanian royals. But also, because this is hideous.
The Olsen Twins in frocks of some sort
I mean… this is a modern day Grey Gardens we have on our hands.
Nicki Minaj in Moschino
I love you Nicki but I’m also scared that you pull one of those too tightly and body parts start falling off.
Kate Mara in Paco Rabanne
My computer did NOT want to save this when I was trying to file all the pictures. I think I can understand why. I’m pretty sure my grandma owned this shower curtain in the 80s.
Emily Ratajkowski in Prabal Gurung
Listen, who am I to tell people anything about their name. People call me Laura all the damn time. But Ratajkowski is a mouthful… something she should consider. Also, this bedsheet doesn’t fit her and she needs a better bra.
Michelle Williams in Louis Vuitton
This bums me out because I love Jen Lindley and RIP Heath Ledger, but this is just not cute.
Irina Shayk in Givenchy
Omg I know Zoe Saldana is happily married but if I saw this come up the red carpet, I would smile and congratulate myself on winning. Not that we should ever dress for the men in our life or our exes, but come on. There is some major satisfaction in seeing your man’s new girl look like a cross between an American flag and a Russian ice dancer’s Olympics costume.
And now…our worst dressed goes to the woman whose press release on her outfit included the words “thong corset”:
Madonna in Givenchy
There is “out there” and there is flat out insane. Seriously, HOW DOES RICCARDO TISCI HAVE A JOB? This is absurd. Madonna, I love you and I meant to request you at the wedding but vodka happened, however this cry for attention is worse than a Kanye’s blue contacts. Please slow your roll a little. This is going to sound mean, but if my mom dressed like this, I would also go live in London with my dad.
So that’s it. You’ll notice I missed some people. And of course, there were after parties. We will see if I can get to those later this week. I still have last week’s RHONY to recap. And I need a nap. A big nap.Tagged with: beyonce • Ciara • Emily Ratajkowski • FKA Twigs • Irina Shayk • Kanye West • Kate Hudson • Kate Mara • Katy Perry • Kim Kardashian • Lily Collins • Madonna • met gala • Michelle Williams • Nicki Minaj • Queen Rania • Rita Ora • Sarah Jessica Parker • Selena Gomez • Taylor Swift • Vogue