The 2017 Oscars – The Worst

I think all these women woke up this morning with hangovers from all the drinks they had and from their fashion choices. It’s ok Dakota Johnson, at least you make great movie role choices! 🙄

Ruth Negga in Valentino

ruth negga

Ruth was the first to hit the red carpet. She was nominated for Best Actress. And of course, being the ancient age of 35, she picked the dowdiest, Victorian-esque look out there. I hated this. Negga typically brings an eclectic style to the red carpet. This is such a phone-in. Get a Valentino, custom made dress and think that’s enough to give you an exciting look. No thank you.

Salma Hayek in Alexander McQueen

salma hayek

Salma Hayek’s husband owns the following brands:

(obviously copied and pasted from Wikipedia). Anyway – THIS is the best she could do? The dress is hideous. It’s depressing and the neckline is so weird. Also, her hair LOOKS like it’s pulled back in two clips on the side, a la the style I sported in the mid 90s, but it’s in fact a headband pushed way back a la when you wear a headband and it starts to hurt so you keep re positioning it on your head. Just horrible. PS Does she even act anymore?

Scarlett Johansson in Altuzarra

scarlett johannsen

First thing’s first – WHO is the guy she brought with her? Don’t get a divorce then show up with a guy who knows Ryan Seacrest enough to ask him if he’s been working out and then not introduce us. I hate this dress. It does nothing for her body. The top makes her look like she has Dolly Parton boobs and the belt is so off. It looks like it was placed there to juxtapose the girliness of the dress but it just looks out of place. Almost like they added it last minute when the stylist was like “crap, I ordered a 12, not a 2, BRING IN THE BELTS”. Scarlett is apparently the most profitable actress right now, according to Forbes, yet I’m not sure the last time I saw her in a movie…

Dakota Johnson in Gucci

dakota johnson

Oh boy. Here’s a tip ladies, do not wear satin to an awards show. It will wrinkle before you’ve taken your first sip of champagne in the limo. Wrinkled satin aside, this is hideous. What’s the hip bib? What’s with the matronly style and I honestly did not know this color existed. It’s as if yellow and gold mutated. Her hair was horrible too. I think she hates going to stuff as a representative of 50 Shades Whatever. I think she hates that she signed up for that movie.

Jessica Biel in Kaufman Franco

jessica biel

It may not surprise you to see her here because it’s well documented that I do not like her. And maybe this dress isn’t horrible, but it kind of looks like her cat got a hold of it. And with the necklace, I can’t help but think she’s angling for a role in the live action version of “The Lion King”. And there’s nothing that irks me like a hair style that looks like it could fall out at any point. Also, when’s the last time you saw Kaufman Franco dress? I swear it was all the rage of the case of Desperate Housewives in the first couple seasons of awards for them and then it disappeared…

Hailee Steinfeld in Ralph & Russo

hailee steinfeld

Ross Matthews was going gaga over this dress while I was still trying to figure out what she’s done to her face. Hailee, you are twenty years old. TWENTY. Lay off the injectables. Also, I hate this dress. It’s mostly see-through, the color is a non-color and it’s SUPER fussy. And what’s going on over her boobs? What is that?

Ginnifer Goodwin in Zuhair Murad

ginnifer goodwin

See above from my Ruth Negga comments and remove the nominated part.

Leslie Mann in Zac Posen

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OH WOW I HATED THIS. The color is horrible. She has a bow tied at the front. It’s like the Halloween Superstore’s attempt at a Belle costume. Such a bummer that she didn’t wear the dress she wore to host the techie Oscars… it’s so much better.

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Weird pose, great dress.

Karlie Kloss in Stella McCartney

karlie kloss

Been there, done that with better results:

gwn

What a complete rip-off. I know Stella clearly is lacking in the vision department (I haven’t like a frock of hers in years), but really Stella? Such an obvious copy. Also, Karlie Kloss might be the new Heidi Klum – invited to everything for no obvious reason…

Emma Roberts in Armani

emma roberts

I do not like this hair color on her – it better be for a movie. She claimed in her interview that she more or less picked out her aunt Julia’s dress the year she won the Oscar and I’m calling BS on that. I just did not like anything about this look. The top half looks unfinished and too much like lingerie and the bottom can’t decide if it’s full length or mid-calf. I’m not into it.

Teresa Palmer in Prada

teresa palmer

YIKES.

Felicity Jones in Dior

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I guess we should be happy that no one wore the Joe Boxer inspired Dior to the Oscars. Need a reference? Check out Bella Hadid:

bella

PS the hearts are to save us all. I don’t get the obsession with sheer tops. At all. Anyway – do you see the waistline of the skirt and the straps that scream Dior? I just cannot with that look. But back to Felicity – it doesn’t fit well and it’s not an actual color from the color wheel. HARD PASS.

Jennifer Aniston in Versace

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It PAINS me to say this but no, Jen, no. Not to the sheer, no to the high slit, no to the fillers in your face. I didn’t have a designer cred at first, but I should have known it was Versace. But I will say this – I teared up along with Jen because I was DEVASTATED yesterday to find out Bill Paxton passed away. He had an amazing career but for me, “Twister” will always be an all time favorite movie. RIP Bill.

And now, for my worst dressed…drumroll please….

Naomie Harris in Calvin Klein

naomie harris

So this is Raf Simons’ first look for Calvin Klein since taking over the line. He most famously designed Dior. E! COULD NOT WAIT to see what his first look would look like. And it was this. I am racking my brain trying to figure out where I’ve seen that same look with the slit cut out. I know I have which means that it’s not breaking fashion news. And I hate the two lengths. The short dress with the out of place train did not do it for me. She even seemed like she knew something was off. And then the shoes are slightly different and it’s throwing me off and I just do not like this look at all. I’m all for taking risks, but if you’re telling me that Raf Simons for Calvin Klein was supposed to be some sort of second coming… I’m not buying it. I just really hated it. There’s some disasters in this post but I hold Naomie Harris (and Calvin Klein for that fact) to a higher standard and they blew it… on the night of her first Oscar nomination to boot. So disappointing.

So what did you think? Do your opinions line up with mine? I’m going to get working on the after parties shortly because a) a lot of people go to those and not the show and b) everyone who was at the show changes into a second look. Spoiler – I cannot wait to show you Jessica Biel. She looks amazing. Kidding – she looks insane.

 

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