The Oscar After Parties: The Worst – A Tale of Crazy

I made it. 6 posts. This is it. I need to nap in a serious way. I hope you’ve enjoyed my fashion recaps. I’m sorry I half-assed this awards season. I’ll try and do better. Anyway, some of these are bad and some of these are just plain certifiable. ENJOY. 

Jessica Biel in Ralph Lauren

jessice bielThis popped up somewhere while I was doing the ceremony post and I was GIDDY over it. This is horrible. I love Ralph Lauren. As you may know, if I had to wear only one designer for the rest of my life, I would pick RL. But this is just beyond my scope of acceptance. It’s definitely two different dresses right? And the white part doesn’t even fit well. It’s too long and baggy. And the gold lamé, while gorgeous, is misused. It’s baggy in her arms and the cape is more superhero than high fashion. Whatever, I don’t even feel bad about how mean I am about Jessica Biel because this is just atrocious and she deserves all the bad press.

Kate Hudson in Cavalli

kate hudsonHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh Kate… Never stop trying to stay relevant. It’s so entertaining.

Thandie Newton in Schiaparelli

thandie

Why doesn’t the silver part continue down? WHY???? Or at least cut off in a mini? I love her on Westworld and in general and ugh this is just annoying.

Scarlett Johansson in

clueless63

scarlett

LOL Clueless. This is also Clueless. Is that a coat or part of the dress? What is going on? Why is Scarlett so confusing?

Sarah Paulson in Ronald van der Kemp

sarah paulson

I’m trying to explain this dress and words fail me. Maybe if it had picked one color and stayed with it? Maybe if we dialed back the Dynasty factor? I don’t know…

Jessica Alba in Ralph & Russo

jessica alba

See! Like Kates Hudson and Bosworth before her, girlfriend knows how to secure an invite. I don’t know what I dislike more, this ruffly mess or someone’s brainiac idea to add in the “I Dream of Jeannie” ponytail…

Kate Upton in Thakoon

kate upton

HOW uncomfortable is Kate Upton? She is JAMMED into that dress. I actually like it but I prefer something that fits.

Emma Roberts in I don’t know

emma roberts

I saw this pattern under a microscope in 9th grade biology. And like back then, I still have no idea what it means.

Demi Lovato in Monique Lhullier

demi lovato

Wrong person, wrong hair. Not horrible dress. Just all together it looks like a hot mess.

Olivia Munn in Giambattista Valli

olivia munn

IF you are sitting in your hotel room getting ready for the VF party and you see Ruth Negga and Ginnifer Goodwin walk the red carpet in a version of this dress, do not yell “PLAN B” to your stylist????

Kerry Washington in Michael Kors

kerry washington

Oh I really hate this dress. And it fits her horribly. It’s doing something weird to her boobs and it’s super baggy in the midsection. Did they maybe size it when she was 8 months pregnant? Oh and I hate the color. Michael Kors seems to be phoning it in lately and I need his loyal fans to see the light.

Dakota Johnson in Gucci

dakota

Can you TRY to pretend you care? What is this even? How did she manage to wrinkle this sash? And keep the dull hair to go along with her dead eyes. Who do I need to call to right these wrongs???

Vanessa Hudgens in Kristian Aadnevik

vanessa hudgens

Ok you guys are just messing with me at this point, right?

Michelle Monaghan in Brandon Maxwell

michelle monaghan

Do you know what upsets me about this dress? The aggressive cutout and the aggressive dieting that took place to expose the fact that she is skin and bones. I couldn’t find a full view look of Allison Williams, but both Allison and Michelle may need an intervention. There’s Hollywood thin and then there’s “I’ve seen this Lifetime movie” thin.

Kate Beckinsale in Zuhair Murad

kate beckinsale

I’m actually into crazy. Go for it! I’m not in for views into her granny panties. But I’ll tell you this, Kate seems to be veering Grey Gardens kooky these days and I might just be in for the ride.

Bellamy Young in I don’t know

bellamy

This is what happens when you lose an election. You lose all sense of rationality.

Mariah Carey in Philipp Plein

mariah carey

Screw equal rights, who is protesting the assault on Mariah’s boobs???? Ps I don’t HATE the dress, I just cannot support the fit around the boobs. Or the boob job. But I can support Mariah always. Even if she screws up on NYE. She is just as diva as they come.

Diane Kruger in Alexandre Vauthier

diane kruger

Guys, Diane is taking her break-up with Joshua Jackson pretty hard. She could only muster up the energy to take the drapes off her hotel room window and tie it around her. Send help.

Ok was I not right? Weren’t these looks just a boat load of WTF were they thinking????? Oh wait, I have one more. Worst dressed. I about fell off my chair when I saw this. It’s my least favorite dress in recent memory. See for yourself.

Gabrielle Union in Jean Paul Gaultier

gabrielle union

It’s a bathing suit. It’s straight up a bathing suit. And then she stole a black robe from the Star Wars costume closet when she realized she shouldn’t go to the VF party in a bathing suit. It’s horrible. I hate it so much. This is peak “I need attention” right here. Am I right? Of course I’m right.

I just sighed in relief like I’m Emma Stone who confirmed she was in fact, the Oscar winner. My carpal tunnel is setting in. I hope you’ve enjoyed the fashion journey today. Feel free to comment here or on FB if your opinion differs! I got my first troll comment last week. Someone told me my ranking of Vanderpump Rules post was crap and they wanted their 5 minutes back from reading it. But here’s my question – is it that you didn’t like my ranking or the subject of the article? Because I’m pretty sure you knew what you were getting into when it was titled “Ranking the Cast of Vanderpump Rules”. It was never going to win any Pulitzers. But bottom line, I’m ok if you don’t like my opinions – maybe you love Gabrielle’s dress!!

I hope you all have a great week!

 

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