We Need to Talk About Bravo

Love:

The New Non-Housewives show… The Valley, The Valley: Persian Style (which I will probably be calling Shahs because it’s easier), Southern Hospitality, Next Gen NYC.

Why it works:

Taking a base of existing Bravolebs and rounding out the cast with real connections and vibrant personalities is a win! On both iterations of The Valley, you can tell these people have genuine relationships and history. We get nostalgia with MJ, Reza and GG but we aren’t bogged down with a failed attempt at a full reboot (thank goodness we never have to see Mike again!) Plus, both shows are evolving with their stars into marriage, babies and career growth. Kristen as a mom- inject it into my veins! And we finally got Jax off our screens, alleluia!

Next Gen NYC took an idea that fans have been circulating for years (let’s follow those grown-up Housewives' babies!) and put structure around it, while being smart enough to add in outsiders. The watering down of nostalgic housewife offspring kept the show from creating a vacuum, and it worked. Charlie is a horrible human, and I need him back for Season 2. Ariana Zolciak Big Papa Biermann is an unsung hero.

Southern Hospitality is what the VPR reboot wishes it was. Leva has helped curate a staff/cast of dynamic, diverse servers and managers who aren’t just looking to get cast on DWTS. Emmy and Will’s unhinged relationship is a study in human behavior. And if you didn’t cry at Michols scenes about his family, coal for you!

Newer Housewives…SLC, Miami reboot, and I’m betting big on RI.

Why it works:

On SLC, these women aren’t tenured enough or famous enough to self-produce at the BH levels. The one exception is Heather who is actively looking for a producer title. A lot of their behavior remains organic and unhinged. High body count hair! Receipts! Proof! Timeline! Screenshots! Little Girl. She's f*cked half of New York – you can’t make it up! This season did veer a little self-produced, but overall, these women bring so much light to my life. But I still need that airplane footage. And Meredith as a friend of (it's not going to happen, Bravo doubled down on the Marks family)

Rebooting Miami was a dream come true. Miami might be the best housewives’ franchise currently in production. SLC gets a lot of the glory, but the women on Miami have a certain delusion wrapped up in diamonds and bad marriages that make for appointment television. I think we can bid adieu to Julia and (fingers crossed) bring back Nicole and the cast would be perfection.

A small asterisk would be Potomac- a not-as-new franchise that USUALLY brings great drama and storylines. This season is tepid for me -I’m over the Gizelle-Ashley schtick but Stacy is a g-damn star! And watching Wendy spend all that insurance fraud money while she faces charges in real time is Housewives canon! Demote Ashley and let new housewives have a chance, and Potomac is going to return to its heyday! (I'm on the fence on a Karen return, but I think it's inevitable.)

On the Bubble

The Below Deck World

Don’t get me wrong, I love Below Deck. I mean consider this: I was sitting at the bar with my boss, my client and supplier partners in Vegas and left mid-sentence to bombard Jason Chambers (yes, he’s hot in real life). But I still have some beef and it’s two-folded.

1) Do we think maybe there’s TOO many versions? When you have almost a complete cast overhaul every season apart from the captain and maybe a Chief Stew or Chef, it’s exhausting to learn new names, new personalities, new hookups… I find myself giving up on seasons because it’s just asking too much of me on a Monday night!!

2) I’m over the casting of unqualified yachters who just want to be famous. The trope of having to fire someone because they had no business having the job in the first place is getting old. I’m also over Captain Sandy. No notes on that, I just am.

Strong Dislike

Bad Reboots: VPR and RHONY

Anyone who says they like the new RHONY is lying to your face, and you may want to reevaluate their position in your life. It’s not good. When I had a sit-down with Luann over a glass of wine (me) and a ciggy (Lu), she nailed it with this line “Cheesegate, oh god how boring”. I cannot believe the only people they could find in NYC to be on the show were influencers and Jenna Lyons. They are all so boring and self-conscious about their portrayal and I’m really confused on why Andy is doubling down on them! Someone explain it to me!

It can be hard for me to admit when I’m wrong, so when I texted my dear friend Julia after episode 3 of the VPR reboot and said, “I was wrong, VPR is crap”, it took courage and humility. Lisa has run her course as curator of drama (and possibly a restaurateur?? I hear her places are not great anymore, maybe never were.) There’s a token gay, a wannabe singer, a dysfunctional couple, two cousins who were plucked out of a Ryan Cabrera music video and the ever-present goat cheese balls. It’s a snooze fest and it’s time to put the franchise to bed. The Valley fills my VPR cup, this reboot is unnecessary.

Legacy Housewives (both franchises and women)

I recently saw a post by BravoHistorian (I don’t love most of her takes, but she nailed this one) where she notes that Bravo needs to free up the funds. Stop paying the big bucks to long-time housewives who don’t bring anything to the table.

Kyle Richards is making big bucks to spend 3+ years being coy about maybe, potentially, possibly being into women (including bringing said woman ON the show then yelling at people – Garcelle- when asked about it) only to maybe, potentially, possibly getting back with her husband???

What are we paying Erika for? It is not financially responsible to renovate a rental!

I also object to Bravo using talent cash on Emily and Gina. AND GRETCHEN. If the strategy is to just test out bringing back old housewives who then fall flat on their face, then the show has run its course. Alexis, Gretchen, Heather (touching family storylines aside), Tamra (same old, same old) and now Vicky? As Julia and I say…it’s time for some Old Yellering down in the OC.

And I think we all know that this Melissa-Teresa truce is fishy and a ploy to get cast and we’ll be RIGHT back where we were two years ago in NJ, aka ANNOYED.

Where does this leave us? Well, since no one asked me, here’s what I think Bravo and Andy should do next:

- Invest in NEW housewife cities and go the route of lesser-known locations (SLC, Rhode Island)

- More non-housewife shows – maybe we’ve evolved past women on women violence?

- Feeder shows – Bravo has a graveyard of really great personalities that could drive new shows (a la The Valleys, Next Gen)

- Figure out a way to get Lu back on my screen (I wrote this before the new RHUGT was cast! YAY! However, I have thoughts on some of the ladies chosen, I will write about that soon.)

- Keep the Dallas revival rumors as just that…rumors

Bravo will always have my heart, of course, but I know we can do better, and we should.